“Boo!” — cow with a cold
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
no cat here
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.