I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
You Might Also Like
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I hope Alan is OK
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.