Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
repaired
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.