When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
You Might Also Like
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
why no one uses midhusbands
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The fall of Netflix