*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
That’s not how days work.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game