Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.