“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
i think both sides are to blame here
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
A short story of betrayal:
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?