me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
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Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Note to self: I am a note
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.