My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers![]()
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
it be like that
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
being a writer on Twitter:
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am