How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Oh hi lol
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I think this should do it.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha