I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
me irl