i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.