normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
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Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]