“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me when my alarm goes off
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There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.