You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol