You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.