*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
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i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
smh
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.