Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.