Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*