[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.