Me looking for something to eat….
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Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
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*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Raisins are grape jerky.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.