I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.