“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Does your wife know you’re single?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum