I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
December birthdays be like…
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
everyone has that one prude friend
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing