Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
They did not think through this water fountain
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?