Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?