Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”![]()
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.