Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
me adding lol on a serious message
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.