I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
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ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
😏😏😏
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*