Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
when mom throws a party…
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax