Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
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Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
That’s enough internet for the day
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you