Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds