The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on