*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
You Might Also Like
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Ugh but profoundly
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….