I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous