@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

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@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@ThisOneSayz

The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.

@briangaar

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

@PettyRuxpin83

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@trevso_electric

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.