I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.