I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

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Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.


Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?


I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.


We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”


If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]


I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.


Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.


My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”


friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times


Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.