wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
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I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together