I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Well, this certainly took a turn
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Considering the fact that I鈥檓 still working in people鈥檚 homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn鈥檛 killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: Tie me up? That鈥檚 kinky
My Kidnapper: You鈥檝e made this awkward now
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you鈥檙e going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.