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surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
🙄😏😂🤣
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached