[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
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If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.