[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

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“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice


Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.


Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.


[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]


the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks


I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite