@st__arving
@AnOrangeSNES “You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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@AnOrangeSNES 
@SortaSarcastic Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
@djdarrellripley Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
@riot4rach [pronounces modeling like yodeling]
@brendohare [evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
@DanMentos the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
@un_d_ciphered I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
@AmyNoMiddleNam3 Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
@Jez1 My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
@notacroc [restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite