facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.