I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
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I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.