I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do