Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Why is no one talking about this?!
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?