[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
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Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Shortcut
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting