WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
two people or more is called a problem
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
yes… yes…
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600