*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.