CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.