@TheAndrewNadeau

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

You Might Also Like

@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@LetMeStart

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@clitneysmears

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

@noog

Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.

@Ygrene

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

@Michael1979

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

@AmericanGent69

Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess