GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

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My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something


[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men


I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.


grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone


Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart


My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.


Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess