GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
peep davidson
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Put my back out twerking in the library again
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
That time Alicia messaged me
lost dog
Smile they said.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.