@SexySpainNights “Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
@TheAndrewNadeau GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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@SexySpainNights 
@runner_mom2 My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
@LetMeStart [on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
@House_Feminist are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
@clitneysmears I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
@noog Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
@Ygrene grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
@Michael1979 Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
@LurkAtHomeMom My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
@AmericanGent69 Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess