@TheAndrewNadeau

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

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@GoodZiIIa

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

@13spencer

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

@oxygenplug

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

@summerofbenny

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

@Marlebean

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

@chetporter

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@Fred_Delicious

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

@TheCatWhisprer

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.