I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
who wore it better?
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.