I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
🖤✌🏽
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free