me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”