a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?