[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.